I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
