all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
