ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
