If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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