i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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