cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize