She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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