Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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