My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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