doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
