Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
