look no pants
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
