Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
