Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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