I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just invented taco cereal.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
