i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
