Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
