Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
