mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
