The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
