Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
