That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
