You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
