You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
