There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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