It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
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Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I still have a little drunk in my system
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
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Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize