Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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