Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
