I wish I only lived at night.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
