Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I didn't notice because vodka
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
