doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
