Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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