PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Boobs speak an international language.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
