I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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