Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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