he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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