Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
