Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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