Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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