brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize