the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
