my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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