dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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