I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
