just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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