drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
