Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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