I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She even gives head with a lisp.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
