she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
