Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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