He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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