Sponge bath it is.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
