I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
