She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
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No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
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Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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