i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You need Xanax blowdarts
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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