There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
