Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize