Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
