I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
