I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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