Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
