The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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