I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
