I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
