is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
