careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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